Pearls Before Swine

sting voted worst lyricist

The November issue of Blender has proclaimed Sting “the worst lyricist in Rock.” Apparently Sting heads an all star lineup that features Carly Simon, P-Diddy, Henry Rollings, Alanis Morissette, Bernie Taupin, and Jim Morrison.

Sting’s also accused of stealing from Chaucer, St. Augustine, and *gasp* Shakespeare. No doubt Blender takes it’s job as guardian of the classics seriously, but do they go too far when they site Sting for “mountainous pomposity?”

Ok, Sting’s referencing of Nabokov’s Lolita in a song was a bit much for pop music fans. Perhaps he should have rhymed something from the X-men, or Jenna Jameson’s latest porn flick. But remember, back in the day Sting was a teacher. Can anyone be surprised he’s a bit pretentious?

Like a man who farts in an elevator and then feigns innocence, Blender labels everyone on their list, “bards of banality.” At Daily Distractions we have a saying, “he who smelt it dealt it.”

It’s not just that unknown hacks are calling rich and famous hacks banal. It’s the notion that Blender needs to compile a list of the worst rock lyricists. Any fool can smell the stank on today’s music scene. The challenge is to whiff something fresh.

So is Sting really more foul than all the others? I’m no music critic. Nor am I much of a writer. But I’d argue he’s better than most. At least the man’s read Shakespeare and Nabokov.

Personally, it’s not his writing, nor self-satisfaction that rankles. I’ve just never been able to forgive Sting for boasting he has sex for 7 hours straight. That’s not the kind of news a man like me wants to hear.

At the time, the girl I was dating decided we should learn tantra so that we could enjoy “deep sexual pleasure” like Sting and Trudie. Listen, there’s no way I want someone riding me for 7 hours. I knew right then I had to dump the poor girl.

Unfortunately, not before she dragged me to a Sting concert. Sting was on his Ten Summoner’s Tales tour back then. The music was fine. Not my deal really. About halfway through I went to get us a couple more $5 beers, and when I came back my girlfriend was just disappearing into the crowd with some thug wearing a police T-shirt.

That was the last I ever saw of her. So when I read about Sting being the world’s worst rock lyricist, I think, let this be put down with all his other sins: teacher, musician, tantric fiend, and let’s not forget his absurd anti-Chilean dictator stance.

The man’s become a monster.

Update: In a recent interview on Sting.com, Sting comes clean, “Okay I had fun with it. Yeah, seven hours of sex every night. In fact it’s more like four hours of begging, then a movie and then dinner.”

Too late my friend. The damage is done. I won’t even date a girl if she has any of your CD’s in her collection. You’re dead to me.

On the net - Blender Sting.com

Stumble us: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover new web pages.