Cojito, I have a hard time talking to girls. What’s the secret to finding a sexy girlfriend? Tim H. Emerson College
Ah Tim, good question. I suppose there are many ways a young man like yourself might hook up with a woman. I think paying for sex is the easiest, and smartest route. But I know you’re still in school and probably can’t afford hookers.
And maybe you’d like to experience love at least once in your miserable little life. No worries Tim, you’ve come to the right place. Prostitutes are not my only area of expertise.
Just remember, as you begin your climb out of jerk city, to follow my advice to the letter.
At the pub
The only advantage to meeting girls offline is that you get to see them in the wild. The downside is they get to see how unattractive you are. It’s a tradeoff you’ll take because you want a chance to read her body language before you waste your time and money.
So pay attention, sit back, and finish that pint of Guinness. Tonight you’re a predator.
What’s her body language telling you? Do her eyes dart away, then return to meet your gaze? Or does she dive under the table to fish around for soggy peanuts?
Is the poor girl smiling back? If she is, consider that she might have a history of psychological problems. That’s real good Tim. Kinky sex in the men’s room good.
If the girl seems interested then go. Don’t hang around chatting with your idiot friends. Get up and make that long hard walk over to her table.
Keep it simple. Forget the pick up lines. I can tell from your letter you’re not that clever. If you were, you wouldn’t be reading this, wondering how to meet your dream girl. She’d already be giving you head.
The big lie
Timmy, may I call you Timmy? You’re scared. I get that. But you want this girl to think you’re relaxed, cool. James Bond cool.
A smirk has always worked for me. Then I’m likely to say, Hey, I’m Cojito, and I’m on parole. Whatever works for you dude. Don’t steal my material.
Here are a couple of starters that are in the public domain.
“Can I borrow $20 to pay my tab?”
“May I lick the sweat between your beautiful breasts?”
That last one’s too fawning for you Timster. Save the sucking up for later. Yes, she wants to know she’s hot. Unless she’s really hot. Then it’s best you ignore her beauty, maybe even find some flaw to pick at.
Hot girls get told they’re hot all the time. You want to stand out. So tell that hottie she has a big head, and ugly shoes and she’ll follow you home. But first ask if you might join her.
Would you like some company? - is good.
I’m hiding out from the cops, will you be my alibi? - is even better.
The ladies love the bad boys Tim. And if you can’t be a bad boy, at least you can pretend.
You go to Emerson. I don’t need to tell you the next, and most powerful step in the wooing process; get her drunk. Face it T, no one’s going to sleep with you sober. Have you looked in the mirror?
I could suggest a whip, chair, and a handgun, but here’s an even more powerful technique. Casually touch her arm, shoulder, and back, during the conversation. Or maybe pretend to brush something off her sleeve.
When I’m out with a new girl I take that technique to a whole other level. I’ll drag out my penis and lay it across her leg like a snake sunning itself on the side of the highway.
That’s an advanced move Tim. Very effective. But hold off on that one until you have more experience. Instead try working sex into the conversation.
Why risk talking about sex so soon? You don’t want to waste time with a republican Tim. On the other hand, you don’t want to go on about the night you drank too much tequila and fucked a Tijuana donkey. Save the gem for after the wedding.
Chatting casually about sex also gets her wondering about sex with you. And it’s that wonder and fantasy, combined with alcohol, and the stale scent of urine that enables your girl to overcome her natural revulsion of you.
Will you end up in her panties if you follow these tips? That depends on how well she holds her liquor, her eyesight, sense of smell, level of desperation, and self-loathing. That last one’s key if you’re looking for a one night stand.
If she hates herself and has daddy issues you will be well fucked. But if she likes herself and has healthy parental relationships then you will be like a collegiate Sisyphus.
I guess what I’m saying is don’t throw out the lube and porn just yet Tim. Concentrate on establishing a connection, and getting her number.
And pray she never sobers up.
Update: I’ll write more about this topic later, but it occurs to me that I should mention you’ll spare yourself a lot of rejection, and save a lot of money, if you start by meeting girls online.
I met my current girlfriend on Adult Friend Finder (if you prefer vanilla girls try Friend Finder). I was writing several beautiful women at the time, and getting laid way more than I deserved. But when I met Alex we just clicked. We’ve been together ever since.
Flicker photos by: #1 Zouk&K | #2 M@x Argentina