anonymous scholars

Westboro, Idaho - Speaking on the condition of anonymity a biblical scholar has released a new and damning study that proves what conservatives have been saying all along: God hates fags.

Daily Distractions asked for a Republican reaction to the breaking news. But when we caught up with Senator Larry E. Craig in a bathroom stall he was not interested in rubbing salt in any wounds.

He prefaced his remarks by tapping his wingtips and making odd sucking sounds, then said, “I’m not gay, nor am I involved in any inappropriate conduct at the Minneapolis airport or anywhere else.”

Our interns also contacted Monsignor Tommaso Stenico for the official catholic position. On the Vatican website the Monsignor says he’s become alarmed by the gay problem. So much so that he’s begun frequenting online gay chat rooms , and meeting with homosexual men.

The Monsignor is telling everyone he’s gay, well hung, and into anal in order to gather information about “those who damage the image of the Church with homosexual activity.”

“But the truth is,” said Monsignor Tommaso Stenico, “I’m not really all that well hung.”

Over in Kawasaki Japan Shinto priests were too busy with the “Kanamara Matsuri,” or “Festival of the Godzilla Penis” to respond. But a layman claimed:

“We worship giant straight penis. Everyone know god no rike gay man.”

Daily Distractions finally caught up with the author of this fascinating biblical study on a street corner in Idaho.

DD - Professor you spent six years on this study, what was the most shocking thing to come from this research?

BS - This may be difficult for homosexuals to accept, but we learned that the Christian God really hates fags, gays are evil sodomites, and the lord will punish them with eternal damnation.

DD - Really? That is surprising. Some of my best friends are Christians.

BS - Sure, everyone thinks that.

DD - And Muslims?

BS - We hit a roadblock there. Muslims are very clever. The Koran’s written is some kind of strange script. I have no idea what’s in it.

My focus was on the King James Bible, specifically the 67th book.

DD - 67th?

BS - The 67th is entitled “The Book of Fred.” And it really crushes Jesus’ claim that we should love our brother, and Saint Augustine’s quaint notion that we should love the sinner and hate the sin.

The book of Fred tells us that we should hate the sinner, the sin, and anything else Fred Phelps doesn’t like. And it reminds us we have a sacred duty to warn others of God’s anger.

DD - If God’s so angry so why doesn’t he smite priests sexing-up young boys?

BS - It’s revealed in the book that churches are made up of idolaters and fag-enablers. So believers are advised to protest the funerals of dead American soldiers.

DD - Huh?

BS - You’re a heathen. You can’t possibly understand the mysteries of the Christian faith. All you need to know is that unless you do as Fred asks you’re going to burn in hell.

DD - Bummer. What about metrosexuals. Will they be thrown into a pit of hellfire?

BS - Of course.

DD - You sure? ‘Cause metrosexuals aren’t full-on gay.

BS - I’m sure.

DD - Damn. What else?

BS - Among Fred’s more shocking revelations:

America is a sodomite nation of flag-worshiping idolaters.

Ireland is a sad, sick, sodomite culture.

Even the leprechauns of Ireland are likely to be fags.

Al Gore is a famous fag pimp.

God hates Sweden, Canada, and America.

Minneapolis is the land of the Sodomite damned.

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