If you want to know how to keep an erection in bed you can buy a book from the so called “experts,” like that bald bitch Dr Phil, but really, do you think he’s ever made a woman drool?

Doubtful. So save your money, turn off the daytime TV, and listen up, Daily Distractions has 6 low fat tips that will make your girl moan.


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Caveat emptor

You will find there are times when endurance isn’t the problem. Sometimes enough is enough. It just depends on the woman. My current girlfriend is easy. She comes off so fast (less than 10 minutes), that I don’t even need to put down the remote.

On the other hand my ex-wife needed an argument, followed by 2 hours of spanking, prodding, and hair pulling. I’d always end up stiff and sore trying to get her off.

Which now that I think on it is a rather elegant metaphor for our marriage.

After my divorce I dated a girl who’d show up on my doorstep ready for sex. She’d start cumming from nipple stimulation, and literally be speaking in tongues during anal. I almost called an exorcist.

I guess what I’m saying is that it takes all kinds. Back then I was an equal opportunity employer. Nowadays I choose women based on their degree of difficulty. If they can cum in under 20 minutes, I’m interested, over 60 minutes and I tell them to call Doctor Phil.

I know. That sounds harsh. But I got tired of being the pleaser. And I’m old now. If I’m dating a girl who doesn’t know how to make herself cum in a timely fashion I’m just not interested. It’s as simple as that.

No matter what the guru’s tell you, there’s no handy set of instructions for pleasuring a woman. They’re all different. But it sure helps if you can hold off.

Studies show the average male comes off in about 4 minutes. Traditionally, men have employed different methods of improving on that sad statistic. Indeed, I get spammed daily with creams, herbs, pills that will help me stay harder longer.

But you can go broke relying on all of that. So instead I’ve compiled a set of handy free tips that are guaranteed to help you last longer in bed.

1. The jerk-off.

I think the most important tip for pleasing a lover is the jerk-off. I know it seems counter intuitive. But learning to please yourself helps you pleasure another.

Some folks will tell you to wank just hours before a big hook-up. I think that’s bad advice. You don’t want your precious fluids to go to waste. Remember, your girl may want sex more than once.

So here’s what I recommend. Wank. Wank daily for at least an hour. Practice delaying orgasm. Get close then back off. Do that until an hour seems routine.

But don’t touch yourself the day of your big date.

2. Foreplay.

For most men foreplay means a 6 of tall boys, and then off with the pants. Well keep the beer in the fridge and your pants on lads. Try using something else like your fingers, tongue, toes, vibrator, porn, whip, neighbor, trained monkey, etc., anything but booze and your dick.

Women take longer to reach peak arousal than men. Yes, Alcohol lowers inhibitions, but it also deadens sensation. If you need to be smashed, or get her drunk you’re with the wrong partner, or the wrong sex.

Start small, let it build, and then move in for the kill.

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3. The change-up.

Every good pitcher has a change-up. There will be times when you’re on the edge and you need to hold off. Now there are some irresponsible gurus who will tell you to fantasize of something awful to delay orgasm.

You might imagine yourself being crushed by a ginormous fat woman for example. But I advise against this, it could send your willie into shock.

The Kama sutra has a gazillion positions. But unless you’ve got a pommel horse in the bedroom – forget about them. Those moves are for Olympic gymnasts. For the average man there are only a handful that work really well. Find out which one’s your girlfriend likes best, and then when you feel the urge to cum, switch.

4. Condoms.

For a whole lot of reasons you’re supposed to wear condoms. I know most of you don’t, anymore than you’re using dental dams. Sex is best skin on skin.

That’s why I have a steady girlfriend. I loathe condoms. But they’re great for delaying orgasm. What man can get overly aroused with his dick entombed in rubber?

Excluding fetishists of course.

5. The joke.

So you didn’t listen, and now you’ve come long before your girlfriend ever got close. You’re feeling shame, embarrassment. What do you do? Get angry and blame her?

Sure that might work. But I prefer to make a joke.

“4 minutes! Yes! That beats my record by :45. Next time honey I swear I’m going to break the 4 minute mark.”

If you can make her laugh and think you’re still confident she’ll give you another shot. If she smells weakness every girl in the area will know you’ve come up short.


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6. Lesbians.

I can’t stress this enough, never think of lesbians, or fantasize of your girlfriend making out with another girl. Pretend bi-sexuals and lesbians don’t exist.

Ignore this rule at your peril!

Bonus tip – the interweb

Use dating services to get to really know your girl before you ever decide to meet. Get to know what she likes, her turn-ons, and offs. That way when you finally hook-up she’s already dripping. Done right online dating is an advanced form of foreplay.

I wrote my current girlfriend at Adult Friend Finder for a year before we met up. She was living in panama. I was in Boston. When we finally did hook up the sex was explosive. 4 times a day explosive. So consider signing up to one of these services.

The interweb is your friend.

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3 Responses to “6 Free Tips to Last Longer in Bed”

  1. 1 Tman Says:

    Cohito…as usual you outdo yourself here lol. your honest and humorist treatment of such a lifechanging subject is just golden. i think 90% of sexually active males will totally be with you here…and greatful for the comraderie.

  2. 2 tmc55 Says:

    good writing cojito, your ex liked it rough hehehe.you are a funny man with a twisted edge of reality.

  3. 3 Cojito Says:

    ha, thanks guys. i consider it a public service lol.

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