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I’m a white, college sophomore dating a Latina. She’s everything I could want in a woman. Problem is, I can’t get her off, and I’m scared she’ll find someone better in bed. I tried talking with her, but she says it’s no big deal. Ted H. FSU

Cojito writes: Ted, you’re young, a student, and white. There’s virtually no chance you’ll ever satisfy this woman.

In fact, if her vibrator had a car, could crack the seal on a mayonnaise jar, and would pick up the check every now and again, she’d probably give up on your ass altogether.

I’d be surprised if she isn’t already banging your roommate. You’d better check. Are those her panties hanging on his bedpost?

Let me explain something. Nature has played a cruel trick on you. Unless your penis has a crevice attachment, intercourse alone isn’t going to bring your girl to orgasm.

Right now your girl probably doesn’t know how to get herself off. That’s why she thinks it’s no big deal you can’t. Maybe you should pimp her out to one of your more experienced friends, or better yet, send me her email. I’ll see if I can help you out.

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I’m bored with my wife of 6 years. We’re fighting more often, and she only wants sex (oral) once a week. I want to dump her. But when I’m not with her I miss her. Doug W. Manassas

Cojito says: Married 6 years Doug? Talk to your grandparents. Let them tell you about the dull fluorescent light at the end of the marital tunnel.

After awhile you become inured to the boredom, forget about all the things you’ve given up, and finally, when you hit 70, 75, you die.

I’m surprised you’re having any sex at all after 6 years. But I’d advise you to dump her before it gets ugly. In another year or two you won’t be complaining about giving her once a week oral, you’ll be whining about getting once a month anal.


I’m 38, married for 12 years, with 3 kids, and addicted to porn. Problem is, my wife gets crazy jealous when I look at naked picks of other girls. Bill M. Boston

Cojito says – Hey now, I think we throw the addiction word around way too much these days. The way I see it if men didn’t have porn they’d never be able to stay with one woman for very long.

Bill, you know what I’m talking about. Women change after having kids. Look how fast Brittany Spears has gone from Lolita to Velveeta.

Porn will always be there for you, provide you with infinite variety, never get old or fat. The problem isn’t your healthy interest in porn, it’s your wife’s unhealthy need to overpopulate the planet.

Dump that uptight breeder. Find a woman who digs porn and has her tubes tied. Don’t worry about leaving behind 3 hungry kids. There’s always Michael Jackson to snap them up.

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