Cambridge Mass - After years of rigorous study, M.I.T. researchers have learned that despite what Doctor Phil may have told you, children are always to blame for divorce.
“The couples we studied all reported their relationship went downhill soon after the conception of their child,” said Tom Jenkins a senior researcher at M.I.T.
Typically, mothers say they don’t feel human with that thing growing inside. Men can’t stand the sight of either of them. Testing also revealed that children remind parents that the best part of their lives is over.
“Children are neither innocent, nor blameless,” noted Jenkins. “They are filthy little drool-monkeys who make Mom and Dad sticky and miserable.”
Mom and Dad not that important:
Popular wisdom tells us that children need parents in order to develop mentally and emotionally. “Nonsense,” says Jenkins. “The role parents play in the lives of children has been overstated. Anyone can be a role model for kids; even priests, and circus clowns.
In fact, it’s quite possible parents do more harm than good. Kids really need to grow up and get out. The sooner the better. Children will always be important to the survival of the species - at least until cloning becomes viable, but kids are not so important that they need to complicate their parents lives.”
Professor Jenkins offers these tips for kids and parents.
When mom and dad tell you their divorce is “not your fault,” they’re lying. And you’re a dumb little shit if you believe them.
Some children feel estranged, or like they’ve been adopted. These children should move on and find some other family to torment.
You may overhear your parents talking about “love” and “family.” They are not referring to you. They’re talking about the dog, the fish, and the friends they hot tub with on weekends.
Some children feel anxious or stressed over divorce. These kids should know it’s never too early to start drinking.
Go to Defcon 1. Keep the kids in the dark. Better they learn of your divorce from a police officer responding to a domestic abuse call, than you should build trust by taking them into your confidence.
Picking a primary parent is unfair to everyone. It’s best to make a clean break. Let the child find a fresh set of parents.
Blame should not be assigned to either parent, because this may give the child hope that one of the parents is good, or gives a damn. Put the blame where it belongs, on the child.
After the child has learned of the divorce, give them an idea what they should expect in the future. Remind them to “seize the day,” or “just do it.” Get them a t-shirt to remind them of that.
Children often have questions. Try not to answer them. Pack your bags and get out before they wise up. Duct tape is particularly useful when you need to leave town fast.
“Remember,” says Jenkins, “divorce is not all bad. Without divorce, and distant parents, we wouldn’t have half as many internet porn stars, strippers, and Myspace whores.”