old airstreamWe live in a high speed, high debt, high stress world my friends. Well, you do. I live in an Airstream down by the river. But the point is, men don’t thrive on a treadmill.

Women probably don’t either. Although it’s a great way to keep them fit. Bottom line, modern life can be demanding, stressful, and sometimes we all need to take a step back and regain our equilibrium.

How can we do that?

1. Experts tell us to take time every day to chat up the spouse, kids, and pets. But really, what’s so relaxing about that? That path only leads to fights over money, weight, sex, bad grades, and who-the-fuck soiled the rug.

I say, avoid them. Today’s industrialized world is not about family, it’s about service. If you’re going to share and connect, do it with people who will actually listen. For $2.99 a minute there are always sexy girls waiting to take you call.

2. Experts also tell us to carve out a peaceful spot at home. It should be a place where we can just be ourselves.

I think this is excellent advice. A shed or garage with soundproof walls and a sturdy lock is the ideal place to indulge those darker urges.

heroin chic3. Guru’s are fond of telling us to “follow our dreams.” They think living a dream makes reality more palatable. But this path will only lead to bitterness and disappointment.

Trust me, I know. There is no one more cursed than a writer. Sooner or later we all shoot ourselves in the head.

I say, if you’re going to chase anything – chase the dragon. Skinny models addicted to horse have long known that an afternoon wrapped heroin’s loving embrace is better than any absurd hope that our lives can have purpose or meaning.

4. There are modern primitives who think leaving behind a life of gathered berries, raw meat and river gods wasn’t such a good idea. We’ve become disconnected from mother earth they claim. They want us to turn back the clock.

I say, you might be right filthy hippies. But given a life span of about 40 years, I’d already be gored by a woolly mammoth or buggered to death by a horny velociraptor. This would give me little time for reasonably priced phone sex operators, and half naked girls who abuse heroin.

5. Still other helpful types tell us to find our center, or to “get centered.” They claim our center is the core truth or belief we hold onto when the shit starts to fly. It varies for everyone.

For children, it’s a creamy nougat filling. For republicans it’s an invisible friend who’ll reward them for starting wars in foreign lands. For the rest of us, it’s accepting that all life is absurd, and filled with periods of joy and horrible suffering.


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One Response to “Five Tips For The Doomed”

  1. 1 Meg Says:

    I’m with you on the absurdity and joy and suffering. But those friends of the Republicans–they’re not so invisible. The Democratic Congress, however, is. Which is why I drink and don’t really think about it much at all. So thanks a lot for bringing it up!


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