the wasp womanAfter about a half dozen pints at the pub I finally got my friend Juan to stop hitting on our waitress long enough for me to explain my problem. I’d been with my girlfriend all summer, and it just wasn’t working out.

“She’s a sweet girl. The sex is good. But I’m starting to feel trapped,” I said.

Now whether this was an accurate take on our relationship, proof of my latent homosexuality, or the naked fear of commitment is irrelevant. I was 20. I didn’t need marriage, or a committed relationship. I just needed sex.

“She’s so psyched about living together.” I said. “And I don’t want to hurt her.”

I imagine I confided in Juan because he always had a hot girlfriend. In fact, he’d had one or two of mine. And when the time was right he had no problem telling his girlfriends to fuck off.

Juan (or as we liked to call him “el Bicho”), couldn’t afford college, so he went to work for a pest control company right out of high school. I was a house painter when I wasn’t studying writing at Umass Boston. And between all the weed, work chemicals, and beer, we were both fairly tweaked that night.

“You know wha you deal ees buddy?” he said. “You a fuckin’ pussy. Betta get rid of her now. If you wait, you really be fucked.”

Juan went on to claim that his work as a pest control expert gave him a unique insight into this problem. And then he insisted I buy him another Guinness as payment for what I am about to tell you.

Nesting behavior

After a busy spring and summer of tanning, talking for hours on the phone, and shopping, the typical girlfriend begins looking for shelter. They do this in the fall when the weather begins to cool, and food becomes scarce.

They may tell you it’s love. And they may really mean it. But this is about instinct not passion. They’re really looking to find a warm and dry place to nest for the cold months. Do not let her nest with you. Because depending on the degree of infestation it may take weeks, or months to get her out of your home.

Imagine your bathroom filled with wet panties, and bloody tampons. Imagine your Playstation 3 collecting dust in the garage. Imagine her hand on your remote control. Imagine your porn collection rotting in a Jersey landfill.

And god forbid her family moves in. It could take years to root out an entire colony.

If you’re infested

The way Juan tells it, the typical bachelor really has four options to get an unwanted girl friend out of his house: the trap, the predator, poison, and the professional. Remember, use caution, often innocent friends, plants and animals are in the house.

Normally, the unwanted girlfriend will travel along a regular route in your home. Mostly from the fridge, to the bathroom, then back to the fridge again. If you want to trap these beauties it’s best to target the fridge area.

To bait the trap, use peanut butter, soft spreadable cheese, chocolate, maybe leave out a few Cosmos, or a TV showing Oprah. A smart man will bait the trap for several nights running, but will not spring it. He may even have sex with his unwanted girlfriend, or offer to take out the trash. This lulls the girlfriend into a false sense of security, and encourages her to become bolder.

Then all you need to do is spring it. What kind of trap should you set? The trap of brutal honesty works best. Telling her she’s toast while she’s still licking peanut butter from her fat fingers is fine. But telling her you want to kick your sex life up a notch only works if you show her pics of the Shetland pony you want her to bang.

Not every man has the stones for confrontation. Some men prefer to leave it to natural predators: ex boyfriends, rival girl friends, mothers. An ex-boyfriend who wants your girl back is very handy. But a mother is particularly pre-disposed to eliminating your unwanted girlfriend. There’s also a prophylactic effect. Many girlfriends will see a mom living in your house and decide not to settle there.

Poisoning is always an option. Stop working and bathing, get fat, hog the remote, remain drunk or stoned 24/7. Poisoning your home life will not kill her desire to stay immediately. But the girlfriend will take bits of the venom back to her nest where it will slowly kill any love she has for you.

During a poisoning you’ll often find her weeping alone in a darkened room. Do not try and console her. You don’t want her think you have any redeeming qualities. And be careful that her lifeless spirit, and your decay doesn’t create a very unpleasant smell in your home that could encourage scavengers.

The professional

Finally, some men prefer to leave it all to professionals. To do this you need to dial up Craigslist, and hire a real man to take care of the problem for you. If you are the type of guy who is susceptible to clingy girlfriends, then you may want to subscribe to a monthly service where they will inspect, and treat your women on a regular basis.

A handsome man who’ll romance your woman, last longer than 6 minutes, and actually give her screaming orgasms, will usually do the trick. She’ll either see what she’s missing and move on, or you can catch her doing it, and accuse her of infidelity. That way, you not only get rid of her, but she’ll feel guilty, and you’ll often get great break-up sex.

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