When I step out of Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport it’s so hot it feels like my eyeballs are cooking in my head.

“It’s been 110 degrees for 3 days straight,” the van-man says.

That would be perfect if I was in town to cure meat.

“Take me to the bone yard my good man - and step on it.”

He shoots me a confused look.

“We only go to Sun City,” he says.

“Close enough. But hurry man. I have delicate skin.”

My van-man’s a retiree from the Midwest. A nice enough guy. But it doesn’t take me long to realize he’s got issues.

“These damn Mexican immigrants,” he says, shaking his big red head at the pickup full of Latinos on our left. “They’ve ruined the economy. But thank god for Sheriff Joe. He’s not giving them to the government for deportation. He’s rounding them up and throwing them in jail.”

Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the son of immigrants, is known to some as America’s toughest sheriff, and to others as a liar, bully, and megalomaniac. According to the local paper Sheriff Joe has been raiding local businesses, and pulling over anyone that looks a bit too swarthy. It’s an illegal practice. But …

“We don’t mind,” the van-man says, his gold flag pin glimmering under the city lights. “As long as we get rid of these damn illegals.”

It’s perhaps one of Arizona’s greatest mysteries. Midwesterners move here, hire Mexican gardeners, painters, cleaning ladies, food servers, mechanics etc., and then begin whining about Mexicans slipping over the border. You have to wonder why they’re too cheap to pay for white help. And why they think anyone but a desperate immigrant would be willing to change their dirty diapers.

I can see the van-man’s milky eyes watching me in the rear view mirror. He seems dangerously excited. As if someone pulled off his hood on the way to a rally. I need to get out of here before I punch him in the back of the head. I tell him I need a drink.

“No stops,” he says.

“Were you expecting a tip?” I say.

We stop. When I get back, I drain a Corona, burp, and tell him that even if I believed immigrants damage the economy, George Bush and the republican party have done much more damage.

“Billions upon billions wasted,” I say. “Perhaps we should round up Republicans and throw them in jail.”

Then I hold out an olive branch.

“Let’s stop for Mexican. My treat.”

I could really go for a burrito about now. I haven’t eaten since I left Panama. But I figure the irony is too much for him. He declines. It’s about 11pm when we finally roll into the bone yard. Immediately, I crack open another beer. Cold beer is the only thing when you’re dealing with old people.

I left Panama only 12 hrs ago and already I miss the rain, the food, my girl, and the legal poker. Here I mostly play poker online or watch it on TV. Honestly, I’m afraid to go out. If sadist Sheriff Joe doesn’t bust you, the heat doesn’t kill you, or you aren’t torn apart by rabid coyotes, then you’ll go broke filling the tank with gas.

About a 6 pack later I dial up the TV to find Gus Hansen matched up against JJ Liu, Beth Shak, Erica Schoenberg, Vanessa Rousso, and Clonie Gowen. Most of these sexy ladies play at my site Full Tilt Poker. The cool thing about Full Tilt is they give you a killer $600 sign-up bonus and let you play against some of the hottest women of poker.

My favorite poker babe is Liz Lieu. She’s from Vietnam. You ever notice how no one complains about all these sexy Asian immigrants damaging our economy?

I must warn you. There are other, less reputable sites, claiming that Jennifer “Jennicide” Leigh is the hottest poker babe out there. She’s the chubby Aryan in the gallery below.

Forget about her. Full Tilt Poker has Lynette Chan, Erica Schoenberg, Clonie Gowen, Amanda “Mandy B” Baker and they’re one of the few trusted sites with the stones to remain open to Americans.

Good poker, hot girls, and cold beer, that’s how my trip ends. Now if I could just find someone to make me a god damn burrito.

You can check out the sexy women of poker here.

Or play against Cojito at Full Tilt Poker here

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