the wasp womanAfter about a half dozen pints at the pub I finally got my friend Juan to stop hitting on our waitress long enough for me to explain my problem. I’d been with my girlfriend all summer, and it just wasn’t working out.

“She’s a sweet girl. The sex is good. But I’m starting to feel trapped,” I said.

Now whether this was an accurate take on our relationship, proof of my latent homosexuality, or the naked fear of commitment is irrelevant. I was 20. I didn’t need marriage, or a committed relationship. I just needed sex.

“She’s so psyched about living together.” I said. “And I don’t want to hurt her.”

I imagine I confided in Juan because he always had a hot girlfriend. In fact, he’d had one or two of mine. And when the time was right he had no problem telling his girlfriends to fuck off.

Juan (or as we liked to call him “el Bicho”), couldn’t afford college, so he went to work for a pest control company right out of high school. I was a house painter when I wasn’t studying writing at Umass Boston. And between all the weed, work chemicals, and beer, we were both fairly tweaked that night.

“You know wha you deal ees buddy?” he said. “You a fuckin’ pussy. Betta get rid of her now. If you wait, you really be fucked.”

Juan went on to claim that his work as a pest control expert gave him a unique insight into this problem. And then he insisted I buy him another Guinness as payment for what I am about to tell you. Read the rest of this entry »

rogue taxidermistLooking for something to top that chiffonier your in-laws gave you last Christmas? Why not pop into the virtual home of the rogue taxidermist?

Sure, the exploding frog has already been sold. But there’s still plenty of cool stuff available. For example, the lower half of a squirrel can still be yours for a only $150.

Or how ’bout an item with a bit more flash? Something that simultaneously says – fuck the in-laws, and I’ve got way too much money on my hands.

Try the Half-Eaten Holstein: only $1,895.00

Iceberg Lettuce SafeThese are dangerous and uncertain times. Who can we trust? Is that man really in our home to worm the cat? Or is he a desperate junkie, or worse, a DEA agent looking for our stash?

Good news. Research shows that a criminal will only spend an average of 8 minutes robbing our home. Studies also confirm that Americans (particularly the federal and local authorities) are fat, and won’t go near anything that’s not fried, salted, breaded, or dipped in sugar.

So the clever lads at Bim bam banana have created something called “The Iceberg Safe.” Inside this plump head of Iceberg lettuce is a hidden compartment. Just load it up with swag, or the weed of your choice, and drop it into the crisper with all the other veggies you intend to eat but never will.

old airstreamWe live in a high speed, high debt, high stress world my friends. Well, you do. I live in an Airstream down by the river. But the point is, men don’t thrive on a treadmill.

Women probably don’t either. Although it’s a great way to keep them fit. Bottom line, modern life can be demanding, stressful, and sometimes we all need to take a step back and regain our equilibrium.

How can we do that? Read the rest of this entry »

kids and divorceCambridge Mass – After years of rigorous study, M.I.T. researchers have learned that despite what Doctor Phil may have told you, children are always to blame for divorce.

“The couples we studied all reported their relationship went downhill soon after the conception of their child,” said Tom Jenkins a senior researcher at M.I.T.

Typically, mothers say they don’t feel human with that thing growing inside. Men can’t stand the sight of either of them. Testing also revealed that children remind parents that the best part of their lives is over.

“Children are neither innocent, nor blameless,” noted Jenkins. “They are filthy little drool-monkeys who make Mom and Dad sticky and miserable.” Read the rest of this entry »