I’m a white, college sophomore dating a Latina. She’s everything I could want in a woman. Problem is, I can’t get her off, and I’m scared she’ll find someone better in bed. I tried talking with her, but she says it’s no big deal. Ted H. FSU

Cojito writes: Ted, you’re young, a student, and white. There’s virtually no chance you’ll ever satisfy this woman.

In fact, if her vibrator had a car, could crack the seal on a mayonnaise jar, and would pick up the check every now and again, she’d probably give up on your ass altogether.

I’d be surprised if she isn’t already banging your roommate. You’d better check. Are those her panties hanging on his bedpost?

Let me explain something. Nature has played a cruel trick on you. Unless your penis has a crevice attachment, intercourse alone isn’t going to bring your girl to orgasm.

Right now your girl probably doesn’t know how to get herself off. That’s why she thinks it’s no big deal you can’t. Maybe you should pimp her out to one of your more experienced friends, or better yet, send me her email. I’ll see if I can help you out.

I’m bored with my wife of 6 years. We’re fighting more often, and she only wants sex (oral) once a week. I want to dump her. But when I’m not with her I miss her. Doug W. Manassas

Cojito says: Married 6 years Doug? Talk to your grandparents. Let them tell you about the dull fluorescent light at the end of the marital tunnel.

After awhile you become inured to the boredom, forget about all the things you’ve given up, and finally, when you hit 70, 75, you die.

I’m surprised you’re having any sex at all after 6 years. But I’d advise you to dump her before it gets ugly. In another year or two you won’t be complaining about giving her once a week oral, you’ll be whining about getting once a month anal.

I’m 38, married for 12 years, with 3 kids, and addicted to porn. Problem is, my wife gets crazy jealous when I look at naked picks of other girls. Bill M. Boston

Cojito says - Hey now, I think we throw the addiction word around way too much these days. The way I see it if men didn’t have porn they’d never be able to stay with one woman for very long.

Bill, you know what I’m talking about. Women change after having kids. Look how fast Brittany Spears has gone from Lolita to Velveeta.

Porn will always be there for you, provide you with infinite variety, never get old or fat. The problem isn’t your healthy interest in porn, it’s your wife’s unhealthy need to overpopulate the planet.

Dump that uptight breeder. Find a woman who digs porn and has her tubes tied. Don’t worry about leaving behind 3 hungry kids. There’s always Michael Jackson to snap them up.

Watch it! We're updating the site. Until we're ready there's always Koolaid.

Aries - A negative influence from the moon is affecting your ruling planet Mars. This will leave you feeling angry with someone close to you. Killing their cat will teach them a valuable lesson.

Taurus - Stock up on toilet paper. An angry squabble between your ruling planet Mars and the moon will leave you unable to control your excretory functions.

Gemini - The movement of the planets has created a number of challenging aspects in your life. This could make you feel indecisive in the bedroom. Don’t sweat it. Your young wife’s getting all she can handle from her black boss at work.

Cancer - You will need a lot of emotional support today. Your ruling planet is the moon, and it’s experiencing a very challenging relationship with a number of other planets right now. This would be a good time to start cutting yourself again.

Leo - The feeling of being pulled in all directions will dominate this morning, but should pass by this afternoon when you begin upping your dose of Haloperidol.

Virgo - The sun, Pluto, and the neighborhood rapist will be making themselves felt in your life today.

Libra - Someone will catch your fancy at the pub. But your friends will have their doubts. Go for it. Hunchbacks need lovin’ too.

Scorpio - You may find yourself resenting a month old infant who doesn’t seem to understand you. If you really want to be heard shake the whelp violently.

Sagittarius - You’ll feel sluggish today, and have difficulty getting started. Remember, this is why the good lord blessed you with a whoring sister who deals crack.

Capricorn - There is a strong possibility your secret will be revealed during a PTA meeting today. Those pics of you getting gang banged at last years Christmas party are all over the Internet. Even the paperboy knows you’re a whore.

Aquarius - The moon is currently in your seventh house, which is the house of marriage and relationships. This will create a potential for feelings of disillusionment with your lover. Time to really take your whoring up a notch.

Pisces - It’s possible that you’ll be feeling neglected today, which could lead to frustration and tension. A selfless gesture from you, like volunteering to put down puppies at the kennel, will melt away all those negative feelings.

If you want to know how to keep an erection in bed you can buy a book from the so called “experts,” like that bald bitch Dr Phil, but really, do you think he’s ever made a woman drool?

Doubtful. So save your money, turn off the daytime TV, and listen up, Daily Distractions has 6 low fat tips that will make your girl moan.

Caveat emptor

You will find there are times when endurance isn’t the problem. Sometimes enough is enough. It just depends on the woman. My current girlfriend is easy. She comes off so fast (less than 10 minutes), that I don’t even need to put down the remote.

On the other hand my ex-wife needed an argument, followed by 2 hours of spanking, prodding, and hair pulling. I’d always end up stiff and sore trying to get her off.

Which now that I think on it is a rather elegant metaphor for our marriage.

After my divorce I dated a girl who’d show up on my doorstep ready for sex. She’d start cumming from nipple stimulation, and literally be speaking in tongues during anal. I almost called an exorcist.

I guess what I’m saying is that it takes all kinds. Back then I was an equal opportunity employer. Nowadays I choose women based on their degree of difficulty. If they can cum in under 20 minutes, I’m interested, over 60 minutes and I tell them to call Doctor Phil.

I know. That sounds harsh. But I got tired of being the pleaser. And I’m old now. If I’m dating a girl who doesn’t know how to make herself cum in a timely fashion I’m just not interested. It’s as simple as that.

No matter what the guru’s tell you, there’s no handy set of instructions for pleasuring a woman. They’re all different. But it sure helps if you can hold off.

Studies show the average male comes off in about 4 minutes. Traditionally, men have employed different methods of improving on that sad statistic. Indeed, I get spammed daily with creams, herbs, pills that will help me stay harder longer.

But you can go broke relying on all of that. So instead I’ve compiled a set of handy free tips that are guaranteed to help you last longer in bed.

1. The jerk-off.

I think the most important tip for pleasing a lover is the jerk-off. I know it seems counter intuitive. But learning to please yourself helps you pleasure another.

Some folks will tell you to wank just hours before a big hook-up. I think that’s bad advice. You don’t want your precious fluids to go to waste. Remember, your girl may want sex more than once.

So here’s what I recommend. Wank. Wank daily for at least an hour. Practice delaying orgasm. Get close then back off. Do that until an hour seems routine.

But don’t touch yourself the day of your big date.

2. Foreplay.

For most men foreplay means a 6 of tall boys, and then off with the pants. Well keep the beer in the fridge and your pants on lads. Try using something else like your fingers, tongue, toes, vibrator, porn, whip, neighbor, trained monkey, etc., anything but booze and your dick.

Women take longer to reach peak arousal than men. Yes, Alcohol lowers inhibitions, but it also deadens sensation. If you need to be smashed, or get her drunk you’re with the wrong partner, or the wrong sex.

Start small, let it build, and then move in for the kill.

3. The change-up.

Every good pitcher has a change-up. There will be times when you’re on the edge and you need to hold off. Now there are some irresponsible gurus who will tell you to fantasize of something awful to delay orgasm.

You might imagine yourself being crushed by a ginormous fat woman for example. But I advise against this, it could send your willie into shock.

The Kama sutra has a gazillion positions. But unless you’ve got a pommel horse in the bedroom - forget about them. Those moves are for Olympic gymnasts. For the average man there are only a handful that work really well. Find out which one’s your girlfriend likes best, and then when you feel the urge to cum, switch.

4. Condoms.

For a whole lot of reasons you’re supposed to wear condoms. I know most of you don’t, anymore than you’re using dental dams. Sex is best skin on skin.

That’s why I have a steady girlfriend. I loathe condoms. But they’re great for delaying orgasm. What man can get overly aroused with his dick entombed in rubber?

Excluding fetishists of course.

5. The joke.

So you didn’t listen, and now you’ve come long before your girlfriend ever got close. You’re feeling shame, embarrassment. What do you do? Get angry and blame her?

Sure that might work. But I prefer to make a joke.

“4 minutes! Yes! That beats my record by :45. Next time honey I swear I’m going to break the 4 minute mark.”

If you can make her laugh and think you’re still confident she’ll give you another shot. If she smells weakness every girl in the area will know you’ve come up short.

6. Lesbians.

I can’t stress this enough, never think of lesbians, or fantasize of your girlfriend making out with another girl. Pretend bi-sexuals and lesbians don’t exist.

Ignore this rule at your peril!

Bonus tip - the interweb

Use dating services to get to really know your girl before you ever decide to meet. Get to know what she likes, her turn-ons, and offs. That way when you finally hook-up she’s already dripping. Done right online dating is an advanced form of foreplay.

I wrote my current girlfriend at Adult Friend Finder for a year before we met up. She was living in panama. I was in Boston. When we finally did hook up the sex was explosive. 4 times a day explosive. So consider signing up to one of these services.

The interweb is your friend.

Sure, I know what you must be thinking, how does a man like me score a hot girlfriend like this?

She is hot isn’t she? But she’s not really my girlfriend. She’s just some chica I picked-up at a party. The other girls were calling her Sidosa - whatever that means.

I haven’t heard anything from her since I snapped this picture. I sure hope she’s OK. Maybe I should go in there and see what’s up.

I don’t know, Latinas are so hard to read. I’d hate to bother her and foul the mood. She promised to let me videotape her having sex.

She’s probably just washing the vomit out of her sweater and re-applying lipstick. You know how anal these Latinas are about their hygiene. And they get so freakin’ testy when they think they’re being rushed.

Not that any of it matters. I popped 2 Viagra, and I plan of doing her from behind. Tonight she could look like a burro and I wouldn’t care.

Anyone know how long I’m supposed to wait to sex up a girl after she vomits? Is it one hour? Or two? I’d hate for the poor dear to cramp up.

I swear, it sounded like she was giving birth to a walrus in there. I hope she’s not too tired from all the retching and crying to stay awake. I hate it when they just lay there slobbering with their eyes shut.

Cojito, I’m moving to Costa Rica. I’m sick of American women and their attitudes. All the women here end up marrying jerks. I’m 55, nice guy, good job, new car, I treat women with RESPECT, and I can’t get a 2nd date. What do women want? What’s wrong with them? Bill W. Sun City, Az.

Bill, we have a saying in Panama: “los besos de un viejo, saben a huevos sin sal.” In other words, you’re a rather bland dish, and women are looking for someone with a little more tang.

Why do they find you so uninspiring? Oh Bill, isn’t it obvious? You’re a clueless geezer. You reek of whiny desperation, and the funk of your pathetic neediness is killing any chance you have to score. And let’s no forget you live in Sun City, Arizona, Dante’s fourth circle of hell.

Bill, you ever hear of a woman getting sticky for TV’s Mr Rogers? Of course not, no one respects a nice man in a sweater vest. Sure, you could take your pussy attitude and move to Costa Rica. But I’m not so sure that’s going to help.

Because I know what’s wrong with the American women you meet. Nothing. It’s all you baby. Rather than run, how ’bout you suck it up and act like a man. Women want what they want, and right now they don’t want you. Deal with it.

I’ll let you in on a little secret, what you should do is stop trying. That’s right give up. Sure, women love a guy with a good job, flash car, and nice look about him. But God forbid you actually hook up with a woman in your sniveling state. You’ll pay for that mistake the rest of your life.

Bill, ever notice how the guy that dotes on his princess gets dumped on? And the guy who does what he wants gets doted on? Human nature. We lose respect for servile behavior, and we’re turned on by strength.

I live in Panama. And let me tell you, if he were free today, butt-ugly strongman Manual Noriega would still get mad pussy, (or he’d be hitting young boy ass, just depends on who you listen to). The point is, Manny was damn near irresistible in his time.

Look, ol’ pinapple face is gone. That leaves the field open for you. Don’t blow it. Remember, it’s much better to care less, do less, and get more. So stop trying to impress.

Next time a woman asks what kind of car you drive, tell her you take the bus ’cause you like to expose your penis to strangers.

Next time she asks what you kind of work you do, tell her you’re George Clooney’s cock double.

Next time she wants to meet your mother, tell her you just killed mom, then ask for help feeding the body into the wood chipper.

And Bill, if you do nothing else, next time you talk to a beautiful woman, pretend you have a pair.