Cojito, I have a hard time talking to girls. What’s the secret to finding a sexy girlfriend? Tim H. Emerson College
Ah Tim, good question. I suppose there are many ways a young man like yourself might hook up with a woman. I think paying for sex is the easiest, and smartest route. But I know you’re still in school and probably can’t afford hookers.
And maybe you’d like to experience love at least once in your miserable little life. No worries Tim, you’ve come to the right place. Prostitutes are not my only area of expertise.
Just remember, as you begin your climb out of jerk city, to follow my advice to the letter.
At the pub
The only advantage to meeting girls offline is that you get to see them in the wild. The downside is they get to see how unattractive you are. It’s a tradeoff you’ll take because you want a chance to read her body language before you waste your time and money.
So pay attention, sit back, and finish that pint of Guinness. Tonight you’re a predator.
What’s her body language telling you? Do her eyes dart away, then return to meet your gaze? Or does she dive under the table to fish around for soggy peanuts?
Is the poor girl smiling back? If she is, consider that she might have a history of psychological problems. That’s real good Tim. Kinky sex in the men’s room good.
If the girl seems interested then go. Don’t hang around chatting with your idiot friends. Get up and make that long hard walk over to her table.
Keep it simple. Forget the pick up lines. I can tell from your letter you’re not that clever. If you were, you wouldn’t be reading this, wondering how to meet your dream girl. She’d already be giving you head.
The big lie
Timmy, may I call you Timmy? You’re scared. I get that. But you want this girl to think you’re relaxed, cool. James Bond cool.
A smirk has always worked for me. Then I’m likely to say, Hey, I’m Cojito, and I’m on parole. Whatever works for you dude. Don’t steal my material.
Here are a couple of starters that are in the public domain.
“Can I borrow $20 to pay my tab?”
“May I lick the sweat between your beautiful breasts?”
That last one’s too fawning for you Timster. Save the sucking up for later. Yes, she wants to know she’s hot. Unless she’s really hot. Then it’s best you ignore her beauty, maybe even find some flaw to pick at.
Hot girls get told they’re hot all the time. You want to stand out. So tell that hottie she has a big head, and ugly shoes and she’ll follow you home. But first ask if you might join her.
Would you like some company? - is good.
I’m hiding out from the cops, will you be my alibi? - is even better.
The ladies love the bad boys Tim. And if you can’t be a bad boy, at least you can pretend.
You go to Emerson. I don’t need to tell you the next, and most powerful step in the wooing process; get her drunk. Face it T, no one’s going to sleep with you sober. Have you looked in the mirror?
I could suggest a whip, chair, and a handgun, but here’s an even more powerful technique. Casually touch her arm, shoulder, and back, during the conversation. Or maybe pretend to brush something off her sleeve.
When I’m out with a new girl I take that technique to a whole other level. I’ll drag out my penis and lay it across her leg like a snake sunning itself on the side of the highway.
That’s an advanced move Tim. Very effective. But hold off on that one until you have more experience. Instead try working sex into the conversation.
Why risk talking about sex so soon? You don’t want to waste time with a republican Tim. On the other hand, you don’t want to go on about the night you drank too much tequila and fucked a Tijuana donkey. Save the gem for after the wedding.
Chatting casually about sex also gets her wondering about sex with you. And it’s that wonder and fantasy, combined with alcohol, and the stale scent of urine that enables your girl to overcome her natural revulsion of you.
Will you end up in her panties if you follow these tips? That depends on how well she holds her liquor, her eyesight, sense of smell, level of desperation, and self-loathing. That last one’s key if you’re looking for a one night stand.
If she hates herself and has daddy issues you will be well fucked. But if she likes herself and has healthy parental relationships then you will be like a collegiate Sisyphus.
I guess what I’m saying is don’t throw out the lube and porn just yet Tim. Concentrate on establishing a connection, and getting her number.
And pray she never sobers up.
Update: I’ll write more about this topic later, but it occurs to me that I should mention you’ll spare yourself a lot of rejection, and save a lot of money, if you start by meeting girls online.
I met my current girlfriend on Adult Friend Finder (if you prefer vanilla girls try Friend Finder). I was writing several beautiful women at the time, and getting laid way more than I deserved. But when I met Alex we just clicked. We’ve been together ever since.
Flicker photos by: #1 Zouk&K | #2 M@x Argentina
Watch it! We're updating the site. Until we're ready there's always Koolaid.
ALWAYS WELCOME !There’s a popular saying online: if you want to make mad money you just need to remember three words: content is king.
To which I respond, not all content is created equal. A site that tells you how to find a hot girlfriend is always welcome. Another made for adsense splog is not.
The thing is, most content sites aren’t worth a second visit. There are exceptions of course. One of them is called Lorelle on Wordpress.
You won’t find any sexy pics on Lorelle’s site. Pity that. But she has written interesting articles on SEO, and integrating keywords into your posts. What are keywords? Simply put they are words you use to identify and tag your site.
If your site’s mostly smug satire like this one, you might work these synonyms into your postings: fake news, irony, parody, lampoon, sick humor, alternative, etc. You’ll see this done on many successful blogs. The idea is to use your keywords over and over as if you’re a petulant child demanding a duro.
Using keywords this way can get you traffic, and a pile of cash. Some believe it’s the most important part of SEO. That all may be true. But along with another popular trend, content theft, I think it sucks.
Keyword rich writing is a bore. Think of it this way, you’re in a pub, and every night a stranger grabs your arm, and hacks up a familiar bit of gossip, only he uses slightly different words and phrases. You’d chew your arm off to get away from him.
That is, unless he was buying the drinks. And there’s the catch. Before we head for the door we need to ask: is this drunken bitch telling me anything that will make me rich? Get me laid? Or make my penis harder?
A man might be an illiterate bore, but if he can tell me how to get washboard abs, regrow my hair, and add three inches to my manhood, I’ll listen.
Sometimes it’s just hard to tell. Often SEO-friendly keyword rich sites have decent information. But the writing’s shite. A solid piece of writing is crisp, concise. First thing an editor tells you is to cut anything that isn’t necessary. Keywords are not necessary.
People ask me over at Panama After Hours: Cojito, how can I do what you do? I tell them don’t try. I am not a successful blogger. Nor am I a successful writer. I’m probably not even a successful human.
While my content is always original, it’s never keyword rich. Hell, I have no idea what my keywords should be. I don’t want you to think I don’t want to make money. I do. But I write because I like reading, writing, learning, exchanging ideas, and making people laugh.
I live in a country (Panama) where there are no libraries, and the natives think books are something you use to kill lizards. My writings then are my screams from the tropics.
Don’t be like Cojito. If you want to make the big bucks you just need to remember two things: steal big, and until Google figures out how to reward good writing and originality, be like your favorite SEO guru, and write keyword rich content.
On the net - Lorelle on Wordpress
Flicker hotness - Courtesy of Tawanball
According to a group calling themselves “The Campaign for Safe Cosmetics”
“… lipstick sold under brand names including L’Oréal and Cover Girl contain potentially dangerous levels of lead. Twenty of 33 brand-name lipsticks have detectable levels of lead …”
Congratulations ladies, if these results are confirmed by the FDA, then there could be a valid medical reason why your husband, boyfriend, or boss, thinks you could be an idiot have reduced cognitive abilities.
For women this bit of news is almost as good as suffrage, or the time Rosie got bounced off “The View.” Think of it, no more dumb blond jokes, no more complaints about all the headaches you get when your man wants to have sex.
It turns out lead has been used in makeup as far back as 250 BC. So its quite possible generations of women have been poisoned by the manufacturers of cosmetics.
Men, you need to back up off the girl. A real man doesn’t tease, coerce, or deride the brain damaged. No matter how long its been since he’s had any, or eaten a decent home cooked meal.
For years men have gotten away calling women stupid, weak, fat, lazy, and bitchy. Now at least a couple of those labels will have to be tossed out. It turns out women really have been getting all those headaches. You see lead poisoning, or saturnism, can cause irreversible neurological damage, rendering the little woman irritable, lethargic, slow-witted, unable to sleep.
Does any of that sound familiar men? Well, if you want your girl to be smarter, and get off her fat ass, then you’ll have to convince her to give up the lead-based lipstick. And if her symptoms persist, a chelating agent will need to be administered.
Doctors warn that it can take time for lead to be purged from the body. So don’t expect your woman to give you oral, or balance the checkbook overnight. In time your lady should regain most of her brain function. That means she’ll be able to cook, clean, work, beat the kids, and fake orgasms like a porn star.
Just don’t expect this to cure her fetish for shoes. Doctors are not miracle workers.
On the net - International Herald Tribune
Warning - One of our newly-hired interns is a full-on gypsy. Not only can she pick your pocket, she also has an uncanny ability to predict your future.
Aries - Work isn’t interesting, and a lazy mood might take hold. Remember, your boss keeps a bottle of scotch in the bottom drawer.
Taurus - A friend, or someone close, will make uncomfortable demands on your french poodle Skippy.
Gemini - Put away those rose-colored glasses girl friend, and try to see the situation as it really is - your man is gay.
Cancer - Emotional problems on the job are possible. Still, the night ahead holds promise. But only if you order up a pizza and a hooker
Leo - You will find relief tonight, especially if you give in to the voices and kill a stranger
Virgo - This is a good day to toss out what you no longer need. Leaving the kids with a drunken clown would be a good place to start.
Libra - Mars may provoke your friends to air their grievances. Ah, who’re we kidding here? You don’t have any friends.
Scorpio - This week you’ll feel like you’re in a pressure cooker. Just take a deep breath and jump off that ledge.
Sagittarius - Don’t wait until the end of the day to masturbate. You will be struck by a car and killed on your way home from work.
Capricorn - You have deep feelings, and can be super-sensitive. Get over yourself. No one cares.
Aquarius - Learn to follow your curiosity. Glory holes can be fun.
Pisces - New things keep emerging. You will be challenged to grow, and learn when an old man exposes his penis on the ride home from work.
The great Silent Bob once said …
“There’s a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of ‘em just cheat on you.”
I say beware of a woman wielding lasagna Silent Bob. Because she’ll steal your weed, and then bang your fat friend for a part in his next flick.
Most people still believe the canard that cheaters are mostly men. To all of you I say, you haven’t met my ex-wife, or her friends, or now that I think on it, most of the women I’ve dated.
It’s a brave new world out there kids. No longer will you catch the odd, guilt-ridden wife banging the next door neighbor. Now the whole town’s a rocking. So don’t you come a knockin’ mmkay?
According to an article in an obscure men’s magazine, 55% of married women have engaged in extramarital sex. Of that 55%, 90% thought it was a damn fine idea.
I say, good for you ladies. I respect your honesty, and your libido. I just want to know what’s up with the other 45%. My guess is that most of these sinners simply couldn’t bring themselves to confess, or are too ugly to score.
Researchers argue that the increase in infidelity is due to changing sex roles. Today’s woman has more power, more opportunity to chase her sexual dreams. And that’s a recipe for good times, because there are plenty of kind men eager to help a girl reach her goals. What can I say, we’re givers.
Most men I know cheat out of profound boredom. If you’ve ever been married you know what I’m on about. Women, the study claims, are more likely to cheat because they don’t feel emotionally connected with their partner.
Well, boo-hoo. If that’s true why is it women always find a guy with a fat wallet, fast car, or big dick? Why are none of these women banging that small-dicked, sensitive man selling sweaters downtown? I ask, because I am that man.
There’s no hope married people. That’s the bottom line. Accept you partner’s infidelity, or don’t get married. Simple as that. We all get bored with the same ol’ same ol’. I don’t care if you marry a stripper or Brad Pitt, sooner or later you’ll start looking around for someone else to fill you up.
Hot tip - Thinking of having a hot affair? Daily Distractions recommends Adult Friend Finder. We can assure you, these guys will really hook you up.
On the Net - men.style.com
