Death has stalked the cast of Jaws since the movie’s release in 1975. And last week it was actor Roy Scheider’s turn to pass. The official word is he succumbed after a lengthy and courageous battle with multiple myeloma. But there are rumors police seek Richard Dryfuss for questioning in this matter.
No matter how he died, Scheider probably went down swinging. Bravery was not out of character for Roy Scheider. He was a fighter. That’s how he got the broken nose.
Scheider was also known for courageously pimping out Jane Fonda in the movie Klute, and bravely banging dancers in All That Jazz. He garnered academy award nominations for the French Connection and All That Jazz. But insiders claim that it was during the filming of the movie Jaws that a jealous Richard Dryfuss hatched a sinister plan to kill off Scheider and his co-stars.
In that flick Scheider played a small-town police chief and reluctant shark slayer who uttered the now famous line, “you’re going to need a bigger boat.” That line made it to 35th on the American Film Institute’s list of best movie quotes. But it’s said to have infuriated Dryfuss, who thought his character should have said it.
Now Roy’s gone. Before him crusty co-star Robert Shaw, several bikini-clad girls swimming off Martha’s Vineyard, and the charismatic shark known affectionately as Jaws. There is something fishy about all these actors passing in their prime. And we will not be surprised to learn that Richard Dryfuss, known as a small and petty man, is responsible for their untimely deaths.
On the net - Guardian
Panamanian health officials, vilified for allowing poisoned medicine to kill several hundred natives, have adopted strict new product standards for 2008.
Beginning this year the breasts of all Colombian strippers, hookers, and escorts will need to be 80% natural. That means many will be required to limit or reduce their cup size.
“We can’t bring those poor bastards back from the dead.” said Abner Balbina, a senior health official. “Nor will we compensate their grieving families for the loss. But if they were alive, I think they’d be happy we’re doing this.”
David Ortiz is the manager of the Cristal Moon gentelmans club. He said he understands the concern.
“Colombian girls have a huge competitive advantage over their small breasted counterparts. They make great money, and find the married men easy pickings.”
In an effort to head off the government, and ease fears in the local community, some of the strip clubs and whore houses have gotten together and agreed to a cap.
“We hope to show the government we’re committed to fairness, purity, and quality,” David said.
No longer will tourists be able to find shelter from the hot Panamanian sun underneath a Colombian illegal’s swinging teats. Club and brothel owners will now enforce a 1 cup rule. That means a Colombiana can only go up one cup size. Anyone with larger breasts must get down to the 1 cup limit.
Many Colombian women are angry about the changes.
“I was an A cup. I make my best money as a full C. If I’m forced to go down to B, I’ll be back out on the street. How I feed my 7 babies?” said Jasmine, a stripper at Midnights.
“Every girl in Central America has small breasts. How I get rich gringo if I look like them? Who to pay for my blower and lottery tickets?” said, Zina, a private escort.
“We understand their fears. But we’re worried about the integrity of the sex business in Central America.” Abner said. “Enormous fake breasts are a lie, an unnatural competitive advantage. Our gringo mongers, and privileged elite pay top dollar for finest natural breast meat.”
Carmen Chavez a visiting Tico thought the new measures made sense. “I think limiting their breast size is a good place to start. But next we need to cut back on all that Colombian ass.”
On the net: A Trail of Poisoned Medicine
I’m a white, college sophomore dating a Latina. She’s everything I could want in a woman. Problem is, I can’t get her off, and I’m scared she’ll find someone better in bed. I tried talking with her, but she says it’s no big deal. Ted H. FSU
Cojito writes: Ted, you’re young, a student, and white. There’s virtually no chance you’ll ever satisfy this woman.
In fact, if her vibrator had a car, could crack the seal on a mayonnaise jar, and would pick up the check every now and again, she’d probably give up on your ass altogether.
I’d be surprised if she isn’t already banging your roommate. You’d better check. Are those her panties hanging on his bedpost?
Let me explain something. Nature has played a cruel trick on you. Unless your penis has a crevice attachment, intercourse alone isn’t going to bring your girl to orgasm.
Right now your girl probably doesn’t know how to get herself off. That’s why she thinks it’s no big deal you can’t. Maybe you should pimp her out to one of your more experienced friends, or better yet, send me her email. I’ll see if I can help you out.
I’m bored with my wife of 6 years. We’re fighting more often, and she only wants sex (oral) once a week. I want to dump her. But when I’m not with her I miss her. Doug W. Manassas
Cojito says: Married 6 years Doug? Talk to your grandparents. Let them tell you about the dull fluorescent light at the end of the marital tunnel.
After awhile you become inured to the boredom, forget about all the things you’ve given up, and finally, when you hit 70, 75, you die.
I’m surprised you’re having any sex at all after 6 years. But I’d advise you to dump her before it gets ugly. In another year or two you won’t be complaining about giving her once a week oral, you’ll be whining about getting once a month anal.
I’m 38, married for 12 years, with 3 kids, and addicted to porn. Problem is, my wife gets crazy jealous when I look at naked picks of other girls. Bill M. Boston
Cojito says - Hey now, I think we throw the addiction word around way too much these days. The way I see it if men didn’t have porn they’d never be able to stay with one woman for very long.
Bill, you know what I’m talking about. Women change after having kids. Look how fast Brittany Spears has gone from Lolita to Velveeta.
Porn will always be there for you, provide you with infinite variety, never get old or fat. The problem isn’t your healthy interest in porn, it’s your wife’s unhealthy need to overpopulate the planet.
Dump that uptight breeder. Find a woman who digs porn and has her tubes tied. Don’t worry about leaving behind 3 hungry kids. There’s always Michael Jackson to snap them up.
Panama City Panama - This week beloved churuca player Jorge Tapa, famous for his spirited rayando coco, was attacked and killed alongside Miraflores, the Pacific part of the canal. This is the second fatal crocodile attack in Panama this year.
In a free wheeling interview with Daily Distractions, animal experts from the Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute in Gamboa, said the excited crocodile was not at fault, claiming Jorge led the animal on with a saucy display.
“That croc had every reason to think Jorge wanted to be eaten.” said Dr White. “Have you seen Jorge move that lean bronze body to Panama’s tropical beat? Who wouldn’t want to eat him?”
Public opinion throughout Panama is split. Some believe that eating a man like Jorge is never justified. Other, more liberal natives, are saying churuca players give off mixed signals.
“I really think some of them want to be eaten.” said Maria Jesus. “All that noise they make. What’s a cold blooded reptile to think?”
“We need to ask ourselves who’s the real victim here?” said a government official, who asked to remain anonymous. “A lazy Cholo like Jorge, or those hard working lizards struggling to control Panama’s stray dog, and gringo population.”
The government has said it does not intend to kill the croc. But it has warned tipico musicans, and Ruben Blades to be especially careful around the Panama Canal.
News of the popular churuca player’s violent death has also stunned the gringo community.
“Look, I’m sorry, its not like I wanted Jorge to be eaten,” said tourist Bill Jenkins, “But I’m already paid up for a month’s worth of Churuca lessons, and the fuckers somewhere at the bottom of the Panama Canal. Now who’s going to teach the class?”
Police say an area woman found a winning lottery ticket under the mutilated body of dead hooker today.
Carmen Herrera, a maid working out of Punta Patilla, said she was shocked to discover the ticket while walking her employer’s dog.
“Ay, dios mio - I no can believe. I was walking Rex, and he to crap there, on sidewalk. He sense something wrong, he be barking, very loud. And there it was, in bushes, under that dead puta. Gracias a Dios, I am so happy right now.”
Police remain puzzled how the ticket got there. “We’re looking into it you can be sure of that,” said Sargent Diaz of the PTJ. “Its not everyday one of our citizens finds a valuable lottery ticket under a bloody prostitute.”
The body of the dead whore was covered in blood and semen, and had cocaine residue around her nose, but it did not appear the winning numbers were obscured in any way.
“No way, it was pristine. She’s one lucky girl.”
Earlier police taped off the area and began searching for more lottery tickets. The hooker could not be identified, but her hair was bleached blond, and she’d had recent breast enlargement, so it’s assumed she was a Colombian illegal.
“It would be hard to imagine anything more wretched,” said Sgt Diaz. “I have two daughters, and losing a winning lottery ticket would be crushing. We will be analyzing the numbers. They could be the key to this mystery.”
Cops continued to comb the area throughout the day, but did not find any more mangled prostitutes or tickets.
“It’s early in our investigation, but I’d say she was about 19. Forensics will need to take a look at it, but judging from the wear patterns the ticket was purchased earlier in the week.”
“It may have floated down when the whore was thrown off one of the upper balconies into the shrubbery below. It’s possible whoever lost the ticket may live in that high rise. If we find them we’ll want to get the ticket back to them as soon as possible.”
The police will be going door to door asking locals if they’ve seen any killers, or lottery winners about.
“Something like this should give everyone pause” said Father Sanchez, a local parish priest. “It’s natural to blame yourself. It’s easy to say, if only I was there a little sooner then I could have picked up the winning ticket. But you can’t fault yourself.”
The church has opened its doors, and area psychologists are standing by to counsel anyone traumatized by not finding the wayward ticket. If the rightful owner is not found Carmen plans to take the ticket down to the Loteria National to claim her $80 winnings early next week.
“It’s like an early Christmas present,” she said.
