Panama City Panama - Drinkers, dancers, and fornicators along Calle Uruguay were overcome by terror and violent nausea last night, not long after a gringo began dancing spasmodically at a local club.

The gringo, in from Dallas Texas for a two week vacation, calls himself Digger Ryan. He’s described by witness as being “completely oblivious” to the fear and loathing his uncoordinated, sweaty body provokes.

Digger, a convenience store clerk, and avid collector of Elvis memorabilia, spent most of the evening pounding down beer, talking loudly about the “good old U S of A, and grinding on several local girls, “without any sense of shame.”

Onlookers say he also burped repeatedly, passed gas, and sang along to Justin Timberlake’s “I’m bringin’ sexy back,” causing many of the club’s patrons to seek immediate medical attention.

“I couldn’t believe it. I’ve seen Noriega’s dignity battalions beat people bloody, I’ve seen boa’s crush and swallow small children whole, I’ve seen fishermen torn apart by hungry crocodiles, but this - this was just vile,” said Alida Mendes of Gamboa.

Several thousand natives stormed the office of Tourism and Salsa Minister Ruben Blades today to register their formal complaints. “Jes look at ‘im. Dese fat, white devals worse than Colombian,” said Eva Prado a Jamaican down from Colon.

According to the Guardia who were called to the scene, any attempts to arrest Digger proved problematic. “He big man. He really sweat and move funny. We just couldn’t grab hold to him.”

“We’ve seen this before.”

In the wake of last night’s near tragedy, President Martin Torrijos is advising everyone to remain calm. “We’ve seen this kind of thing from the gringos before,” he said.

Perhaps, but not since vacationing security guard Rollie White became hypnotized by a local dancer’s thong covered vadge have we seen anything on such a terrifying and creepy scale.

Torrijos said that while Digger was in town residents should stay close to home, and keep their daughters out of the clubs and discos where they may get sucked into the funky gringo’s gravitational field.

Watch it! We're updating the site. Until we're ready there's always Koolaid.

Aries - A negative influence from the moon is affecting your ruling planet Mars. This will leave you feeling angry with someone close to you. Killing their cat will teach them a valuable lesson.

Taurus - Stock up on toilet paper. An angry squabble between your ruling planet Mars and the moon will leave you unable to control your excretory functions.

Gemini - The movement of the planets has created a number of challenging aspects in your life. This could make you feel indecisive in the bedroom. Don’t sweat it. Your young wife’s getting all she can handle from her black boss at work.

Cancer - You will need a lot of emotional support today. Your ruling planet is the moon, and it’s experiencing a very challenging relationship with a number of other planets right now. This would be a good time to start cutting yourself again.

Leo - The feeling of being pulled in all directions will dominate this morning, but should pass by this afternoon when you begin upping your dose of Haloperidol.

Virgo - The sun, Pluto, and the neighborhood rapist will be making themselves felt in your life today.

Libra - Someone will catch your fancy at the pub. But your friends will have their doubts. Go for it. Hunchbacks need lovin’ too.

Scorpio - You may find yourself resenting a month old infant who doesn’t seem to understand you. If you really want to be heard shake the whelp violently.

Sagittarius - You’ll feel sluggish today, and have difficulty getting started. Remember, this is why the good lord blessed you with a whoring sister who deals crack.

Capricorn - There is a strong possibility your secret will be revealed during a PTA meeting today. Those pics of you getting gang banged at last years Christmas party are all over the Internet. Even the paperboy knows you’re a whore.

Aquarius - The moon is currently in your seventh house, which is the house of marriage and relationships. This will create a potential for feelings of disillusionment with your lover. Time to really take your whoring up a notch.

Pisces - It’s possible that you’ll be feeling neglected today, which could lead to frustration and tension. A selfless gesture from you, like volunteering to put down puppies at the kennel, will melt away all those negative feelings.

If you want to know how to keep an erection in bed you can buy a book from the so called “experts,” like that bald bitch Dr Phil, but really, do you think he’s ever made a woman drool?

Doubtful. So save your money, turn off the daytime TV, and listen up, Daily Distractions has 6 low fat tips that will make your girl moan.

Caveat emptor

You will find there are times when endurance isn’t the problem. Sometimes enough is enough. It just depends on the woman. My current girlfriend is easy. She comes off so fast (less than 10 minutes), that I don’t even need to put down the remote.

On the other hand my ex-wife needed an argument, followed by 2 hours of spanking, prodding, and hair pulling. I’d always end up stiff and sore trying to get her off.

Which now that I think on it is a rather elegant metaphor for our marriage.

After my divorce I dated a girl who’d show up on my doorstep ready for sex. She’d start cumming from nipple stimulation, and literally be speaking in tongues during anal. I almost called an exorcist.

I guess what I’m saying is that it takes all kinds. Back then I was an equal opportunity employer. Nowadays I choose women based on their degree of difficulty. If they can cum in under 20 minutes, I’m interested, over 60 minutes and I tell them to call Doctor Phil.

I know. That sounds harsh. But I got tired of being the pleaser. And I’m old now. If I’m dating a girl who doesn’t know how to make herself cum in a timely fashion I’m just not interested. It’s as simple as that.

No matter what the guru’s tell you, there’s no handy set of instructions for pleasuring a woman. They’re all different. But it sure helps if you can hold off.

Studies show the average male comes off in about 4 minutes. Traditionally, men have employed different methods of improving on that sad statistic. Indeed, I get spammed daily with creams, herbs, pills that will help me stay harder longer.

But you can go broke relying on all of that. So instead I’ve compiled a set of handy free tips that are guaranteed to help you last longer in bed.

1. The jerk-off.

I think the most important tip for pleasing a lover is the jerk-off. I know it seems counter intuitive. But learning to please yourself helps you pleasure another.

Some folks will tell you to wank just hours before a big hook-up. I think that’s bad advice. You don’t want your precious fluids to go to waste. Remember, your girl may want sex more than once.

So here’s what I recommend. Wank. Wank daily for at least an hour. Practice delaying orgasm. Get close then back off. Do that until an hour seems routine.

But don’t touch yourself the day of your big date.

2. Foreplay.

For most men foreplay means a 6 of tall boys, and then off with the pants. Well keep the beer in the fridge and your pants on lads. Try using something else like your fingers, tongue, toes, vibrator, porn, whip, neighbor, trained monkey, etc., anything but booze and your dick.

Women take longer to reach peak arousal than men. Yes, Alcohol lowers inhibitions, but it also deadens sensation. If you need to be smashed, or get her drunk you’re with the wrong partner, or the wrong sex.

Start small, let it build, and then move in for the kill.

3. The change-up.

Every good pitcher has a change-up. There will be times when you’re on the edge and you need to hold off. Now there are some irresponsible gurus who will tell you to fantasize of something awful to delay orgasm.

You might imagine yourself being crushed by a ginormous fat woman for example. But I advise against this, it could send your willie into shock.

The Kama sutra has a gazillion positions. But unless you’ve got a pommel horse in the bedroom - forget about them. Those moves are for Olympic gymnasts. For the average man there are only a handful that work really well. Find out which one’s your girlfriend likes best, and then when you feel the urge to cum, switch.

4. Condoms.

For a whole lot of reasons you’re supposed to wear condoms. I know most of you don’t, anymore than you’re using dental dams. Sex is best skin on skin.

That’s why I have a steady girlfriend. I loathe condoms. But they’re great for delaying orgasm. What man can get overly aroused with his dick entombed in rubber?

Excluding fetishists of course.

5. The joke.

So you didn’t listen, and now you’ve come long before your girlfriend ever got close. You’re feeling shame, embarrassment. What do you do? Get angry and blame her?

Sure that might work. But I prefer to make a joke.

“4 minutes! Yes! That beats my record by :45. Next time honey I swear I’m going to break the 4 minute mark.”

If you can make her laugh and think you’re still confident she’ll give you another shot. If she smells weakness every girl in the area will know you’ve come up short.

6. Lesbians.

I can’t stress this enough, never think of lesbians, or fantasize of your girlfriend making out with another girl. Pretend bi-sexuals and lesbians don’t exist.

Ignore this rule at your peril!

Bonus tip - the interweb

Use dating services to get to really know your girl before you ever decide to meet. Get to know what she likes, her turn-ons, and offs. That way when you finally hook-up she’s already dripping. Done right online dating is an advanced form of foreplay.

I wrote my current girlfriend at Adult Friend Finder for a year before we met up. She was living in panama. I was in Boston. When we finally did hook up the sex was explosive. 4 times a day explosive. So consider signing up to one of these services.

The interweb is your friend.

Baltimore 11/15 - Boston’s Cardinal O’malley turned up the heat on evil today when he announced that Catholics still voting for pro-abortion Democrats, “borders on scandal.”

The Cardinal made his comments at the U.S. conference of Catholic Bishops. “Legal abortion is an intrinsic evil. The destruction of innocent human life is always wrong,” the Bishops declared in a typically long and dreary document.

Studies suggest childbirth in the U.S. has fallen dramatically. And for years Catholic leaders have been alarmed by the growing numbers of abortions. Catholics make up about one-fifth of the American electorate, but represent a much larger portion of the pedophile electorate.

It’s feared a dwindling prepubescent population could lead to a crisis of faith, a soul drain of sorts, with many of the church elders moving on to greener pastures; teaching kindergarten, or volunteering for the boy-scouts for example.

Normally, the Bishops’ document gets mailed out to all the parishes; but this year the cash-strapped bishops’ conference decided it was more cost effective to post it on the NAMBLA website.

A Democratic National Committee spokesman was quick to respond to the Cardinal’s charges. He vigorously defended his party, arguing that Cardinal O’malley really didn’t understand the issue, was Irish, and like Sen Ted Kennedy, probably pissed on Chivas.

“I just hope O’malley doesn’t run off a bridge on his way home and hurt someone,” the evil one said. “And tell that punk-ass Cardinal we’re thinking of voting on a measure of our own. We’ll be asking the Bishops to register as sex offenders whenever they move into a new neighborhood.”

On the Net - Boston Globe

Pictured Above - Angkor Wat (circa 1150), performing an abortion by pounding a mallet into a woman’s belly.

Sure, I know what you must be thinking, how does a man like me score a hot girlfriend like this?

She is hot isn’t she? But she’s not really my girlfriend. She’s just some chica I picked-up at a party. The other girls were calling her Sidosa - whatever that means.

I haven’t heard anything from her since I snapped this picture. I sure hope she’s OK. Maybe I should go in there and see what’s up.

I don’t know, Latinas are so hard to read. I’d hate to bother her and foul the mood. She promised to let me videotape her having sex.

She’s probably just washing the vomit out of her sweater and re-applying lipstick. You know how anal these Latinas are about their hygiene. And they get so freakin’ testy when they think they’re being rushed.

Not that any of it matters. I popped 2 Viagra, and I plan of doing her from behind. Tonight she could look like a burro and I wouldn’t care.

Anyone know how long I’m supposed to wait to sex up a girl after she vomits? Is it one hour? Or two? I’d hate for the poor dear to cramp up.

I swear, it sounded like she was giving birth to a walrus in there. I hope she’s not too tired from all the retching and crying to stay awake. I hate it when they just lay there slobbering with their eyes shut.