After about a half dozen pints at the pub I finally got my friend Juan to stop hitting on our waitress long enough for me to explain my problem. I’d been with my girlfriend all summer, and it just wasn’t working out.
“She’s a sweet girl. The sex is good. But I’m starting to feel trapped,” I said.
Now whether this was an accurate take on our relationship, proof of my latent homosexuality, or the naked fear of commitment is irrelevant. I was 20. I didn’t need marriage, or a committed relationship. I just needed sex.
“She’s so psyched about living together.” I said. “And I don’t want to hurt her.”
I imagine I confided in Juan because he always had a hot girlfriend. In fact, he’d had one or two of mine. And when the time was right he had no problem telling his girlfriends to fuck off.
Juan (or as we liked to call him “el Bicho”), couldn’t afford college, so he went to work for a pest control company right out of high school. I was a house painter when I wasn’t studying writing at Umass Boston. And between all the weed, work chemicals, and beer, we were both fairly tweaked that night.
“You know wha you deal ees buddy?” he said. “You a fuckin’ pussy. Betta get rid of her now. If you wait, you really be fucked.”
Juan went on to claim that his work as a pest control expert gave him a unique insight into this problem. And then he insisted I buy him another Guinness as payment for what I am about to tell you. Read the rest of this entry »
Cambridge Mass - After years of rigorous study, M.I.T. researchers have learned that despite what Doctor Phil may have told you, children are always to blame for divorce.
“The couples we studied all reported their relationship went downhill soon after the conception of their child,” said Tom Jenkins a senior researcher at M.I.T.
Typically, mothers say they don’t feel human with that thing growing inside. Men can’t stand the sight of either of them. Testing also revealed that children remind parents that the best part of their lives is over.
“Children are neither innocent, nor blameless,” noted Jenkins. “They are filthy little drool-monkeys who make Mom and Dad sticky and miserable.” Read the rest of this entry »