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I’m a white, college sophomore dating a Latina. She’s everything I could want in a woman. Problem is, I can’t get her off, and I’m scared she’ll find someone better in bed. I tried talking with her, but she says it’s no big deal. Ted H. FSU

Cojito writes: Ted, you’re young, a student, and white. There’s virtually no chance you’ll ever satisfy this woman.

In fact, if her vibrator had a car, could crack the seal on a mayonnaise jar, and would pick up the check every now and again, she’d probably give up on your ass altogether.

I’d be surprised if she isn’t already banging your roommate. You’d better check. Are those her panties hanging on his bedpost?

Let me explain something. Nature has played a cruel trick on you. Unless your penis has a crevice attachment, intercourse alone isn’t going to bring your girl to orgasm.

Right now your girl probably doesn’t know how to get herself off. That’s why she thinks it’s no big deal you can’t. Maybe you should pimp her out to one of your more experienced friends, or better yet, send me her email. I’ll see if I can help you out.

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I’m bored with my wife of 6 years. We’re fighting more often, and she only wants sex (oral) once a week. I want to dump her. But when I’m not with her I miss her. Doug W. Manassas

Cojito says: Married 6 years Doug? Talk to your grandparents. Let them tell you about the dull fluorescent light at the end of the marital tunnel.

After awhile you become inured to the boredom, forget about all the things you’ve given up, and finally, when you hit 70, 75, you die.

I’m surprised you’re having any sex at all after 6 years. But I’d advise you to dump her before it gets ugly. In another year or two you won’t be complaining about giving her once a week oral, you’ll be whining about getting once a month anal.


I’m 38, married for 12 years, with 3 kids, and addicted to porn. Problem is, my wife gets crazy jealous when I look at naked picks of other girls. Bill M. Boston

Cojito says – Hey now, I think we throw the addiction word around way too much these days. The way I see it if men didn’t have porn they’d never be able to stay with one woman for very long.

Bill, you know what I’m talking about. Women change after having kids. Look how fast Brittany Spears has gone from Lolita to Velveeta.

Porn will always be there for you, provide you with infinite variety, never get old or fat. The problem isn’t your healthy interest in porn, it’s your wife’s unhealthy need to overpopulate the planet.

Dump that uptight breeder. Find a woman who digs porn and has her tubes tied. Don’t worry about leaving behind 3 hungry kids. There’s always Michael Jackson to snap them up.

i love you

Cojito, I’m moving to Costa Rica. I’m sick of American women and their attitudes. All the women here end up marrying jerks. I’m 55, nice guy, good job, new car, I treat women with RESPECT, and I can’t get a 2nd date. What do women want? What’s wrong with them? Bill W. Sun City, Az.

Bill, we have a saying in Panama: “los besos de un viejo, saben a huevos sin sal.” In other words, you’re a rather bland dish, and women are looking for someone with a little more tang.

Why do they find you so uninspiring? Oh Bill, isn’t it obvious? You’re a clueless geezer. You reek of whiny desperation, and the funk of your pathetic neediness is killing any chance you have to score. And let’s no forget you live in Sun City, Arizona, Dante’s fourth circle of hell.

Bill, you ever hear of a woman getting sticky for TV’s Mr Rogers? Of course not, no one respects a nice man in a sweater vest. Sure, you could take your pussy attitude and move to Costa Rica. But I’m not so sure that’s going to help.

Because I know what’s wrong with the American women you meet. Nothing. It’s all you baby. Rather than run, how ’bout you suck it up and act like a man. Women want what they want, and right now they don’t want you. Deal with it.

I’ll let you in on a little secret, what you should do is stop trying. That’s right give up. Sure, women love a guy with a good job, flash car, and nice look about him. But God forbid you actually hook up with a woman in your sniveling state. You’ll pay for that mistake the rest of your life.

Bill, ever notice how the guy that dotes on his princess gets dumped on? And the guy who does what he wants gets doted on? Human nature. We lose respect for servile behavior, and we’re turned on by strength.

panama dictator manual noriega

I live in Panama. And let me tell you, if he were free today, butt-ugly strongman Manual Noriega would still get mad pussy, (or he’d be hitting young boy ass, just depends on who you listen to). The point is, Manny was damn near irresistible in his time.

Look, ol’ pinapple face is gone. That leaves the field open for you. Don’t blow it. Remember, it’s much better to care less, do less, and get more. So stop trying to impress.

Next time a woman asks what kind of car you drive, tell her you take the bus ’cause you like to expose your penis to strangers.

Next time she asks what you kind of work you do, tell her you’re George Clooney’s cock double.

Next time she wants to meet your mother, tell her you just killed mom, then ask for help feeding the body into the wood chipper.

And Bill, if you do nothing else, next time you talk to a beautiful woman, pretend you have a pair.